


I know you

by MinaLaVoisin



Category: Ghost Adventures (TV)
Genre: Angst, Boy Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Shameless Smut, Yaoi, feeling like shakespeare :-D, why am i still writing this tragic stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 13:05:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11601240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MinaLaVoisin/pseuds/MinaLaVoisin
Summary: So, Nick left GAC and Zak is still sad, because he loved Nick so much... He is just watching Nicks new show, thinking about him, drinking... One day, Aaron forces Zak to call Nick to get the answers he needs and... :-)Im still not so good at writing smut, so please, be kind... *blushes*Used the song "I know you" from Skylar Grey for inspiration.Sorry for any grammar mistakes or nonsenses :-)





	I know you

So long. Those years. Those months. Those days. Those seconds without... him.  
Zak always knew, that this wont last forever. Everything comes to an end after some time. Nothing is everlasting. Zak was hoping, that love is, that love never dies, but...  
Nick left and Zak couldnt help but feel his shadow still being around him. It was like as if he just needs to turn around and find Nick standing behind him. But everytime Zak did that, Nick wasnt there. Zak didnt talk to Nick for ages. Everything that Zak knew about Nick for now was what he could see while watching episodes of Nicks new show, Paranormal Lockdown. Nothing more. Just what the TV gave him. A cold screen, a distant image, without the warmth, that Zak once used to know so well, without the feeling of breath against his skin, without the touch of rough fingers that was driving him insane, without the heartbeat, pulsating against his own chest, when Nick embraced him before he left.

Zak reached into his pocket and found that piece of a paper he ripped from a magazine at the hotel room he was staying at when the crew did their last investigation.

_Later...  
I found a new hope, found a few lives  
found a new amount of killing lies  
people call them love and smiles_

_The rain, the snow,  
spellbound, your glow  
I remember the rain, remember the snow,  
remember my wishes, remember your soul  
remember your charm, your perfect witchery  
your lies and smiles, to late for a remedy._

_And you're still with me in my mind...  
On All Hallow's Eve, on Christmas Day  
that's when I curse you the most  
for not being by my side._

_I believed in you, I believed you... in vain  
And all I want is to hear your lies again  
kiss your lips, made out of pulsating pain  
Oh no, still it's all in vain, it's all in vain..._

_Now it's over  
Now I'm without you  
without your helping hand  
and it's time for me to face it  
But you can't be replaced,  
you can't... _

Everytime Zak read that poem, he couldnt help himself and he was thinking about Nick. It was like the author of that poem knew exactly how he felt and thats why he secretly stole that piece of paper, because he couldnt find the words to describe his loneliness and he somehow believed that one day he will give this poem to Nick, so he can understand whats hidden in Zaks broken heart.

Zak was staring at the screen. He was sitting alone in the darkness of his living room, a glass of whiskey in his hand. It was one of those days and evenings he spent locked to the tv screen, watching so many episodes of Paranormal Lockdown in a row for so long, until he fell asleep on the couch to the sound of Nicks soft, silent voice, as he was talking to Katrina about his experiences. Actually... getting some sleep was harder and harder. Zak ended up secretly taking pills, just from time to time, only when he was afraid, that he is unable to fall asleep. It was maybe for once or twice during a few months, but now... he didnt count the days when he took a sleeping pill. He wasnt sure about doing this, but it was in the end the only thing that could help him to fall asleep. He knew that only two things could help him to live his life the same ways he used to do. The pills or Nick. Nothing more. But Zak knew, that the second choice isnt real, so instead of getting up and going out with Aaron and Billy, he turned off his phone, took a pill, grabbed another glass of whiskey and curled up on the couch, his eyes slowly getting red from all the alcohol and tears, that were running down his cheeks. He hated himself for crying, he hated himself for being so weak, but... he never thought that he would miss Nick so much. He thought that he will get over the fact, that Nick isnt by his side everytime he turnes around. That he cant see him smile. That he cant _make_ him smile.  
"Im losing my mind..." said the image of Nick on TV, while investigating a haunted house with someone, who wasnt Zak.  
"Im losing my mind too, Nick..." whispered Zak, before he fell asleep and the epmty glass he held in his hand, slipped out off his fingers and broke to little sharp pieces, as it fell to the floor, without him noticing.

*****

Zak woke up, only to find out that its still dark outside. He blinked a few times to get his eyes used to the light he turned on. 4am, great. Zak turned the light off again and fell back to the couch, staring at the ceiling. He was lying there with his eyes open until the faint light of a new sunrise illuminated his hands. He grabbed the phone and found that number, hiding under Nicks name. Should he...? If he does, what is he supposed to say? Something like "Hey, Nick, how are you? Havent seen you in ages, by the way I love you, and how is your family and your show doing?". No. There is no way.  
Nick never found out about the feelings that Zak had for him. Although Zak was pretty sure that sometimes its obvious that Nick is more that just a friend for him, Nick never said a word. Maybe he really didnt see, maybe he didnt wanted to. But that doesnt matter. Nick left Zak alone. Zak was still mad at him for doing that, but he was also sad. And... desperate. He felt like there is no reason to live without Nick, but he was too afraid to end his life and not just because he knew what can happen to the poor souls of people, who committed suicide, in the afterlife. Actually, he was too afraid to end his life, because he was still hoping that maybe one day Nick will return and ending his life would make this chance dissapear. So he rather lived on in his own personal hell, waiting, hoping, hiding the pain that was slowly consuming his heart, telling his friends that he is doing fine, so one will notice that there could be something or someone, who is making him cry the whole night like a little boy, someone, who is making him missing that person so much, that he needs to take pills and drink, so he can at least get a few hours of sleep.  
Zak was staring at his phone, the name "Nick" still shining from the screen like a neon light. He wanted to call him, talk to him, no matter if the call would last for one hour or just for 4 second, same as it did when Zak called Nick two years ago, just to hear Nick yell "I dont want to talk to you, Bagans! Stay away from me!" at him. Zak never really found out what was the main reason for Nick to leave the crew and he ended up thinking that is maybe somehow was his fault. Knowing that maybe he was the real reason for Nick to go away made his depression even worse. What if there was something that he could say or do to stop Nick from leaving? Was there some chance to make Nick change his mind and stay? Aaron always said that there wasnt a chance to stop Nick. Nick made his choice and no one could stop him from leaving. Nick was stubborn and when he said that he wants to do something, he always did, regardless of circumstances, and this was just another of these situations. And if he regrets it now... it doesnt matter. Nick was always too proud to admit that he made a wrong decision.

*****

"Bro, are you okay?" Aaron asked, when he finally found Zak, sitting outside the haunted house they went to investigate. "Do you want to end this investigation sooner? You look tired, you need to get some sleep, man. You need to let it go, you need to stop thinking about that."  
"About what?"  
"About Nick."  
"Im not thinking about... Nick," said Zak with anger, but his voice somehow cracked, when he tried to say that name out loud.  
"Zak... you know that you can talk to me. Tell me whats wrong with you. I know that you miss him, but you need to move on," said Aaron, as he sat down next to Zak, placing his hand friendly on Zaks shoulder.  
"I cant..." whispered Zak and turned his face away. Aaron doesnt need to see him cry. No one will see him cry.  
"Look, I know that there was something between you and Nick, but... its gone, whatever it was, its gone. You need to deal with that. Come on, Im going to pack the equipment, I need you to help me, please."  
Aaron went back to the house to turn off the cameras and Zak went to help him. Later, when Billy and Jay were on their way home, Aaron and Zak went to a bar. Aaron ordered himself a beer and raised his eyebrows, when Zak told the waitress, that a glass of whiskey would be fine. She came back to them with an empty glass and a bottle full of Jack Daniel's and wanted to fill the glass, but Zak grabbed the bottle out of her hands with a silent "You can leave it here".  
"Arent you... drinking too much?" asked Aaron, when he saw Zak filling his glass again.  
"No, Im not," answered Zak.  
"You are. Do you know that this is like a... sixth shot? You are drinking that like a lemonade, are you sure that you are okay?"  
"Yeah, I am. Stop asking me, Aaron. Im fine!"  
"Alright, dude, you dont need to yell at me like a teen girl. I just wanted to make sure that you are okay."  
"Again, Aaron, I am fine. Everything is perfect."  
Zak filled his glass again and Aaron sighed.  
"Zak, dont lie to me. Im your friend, I see how you are changing. I know its because of Nick. Did you... was there something between Nick and you? Something we dont know about? Something... more?"  
"More? What are you talking about, man?"  
"Zak... I dont want to make it sound... weird, but... you dont have a girlfriend and your obsession with Nick is... unhealthy."  
"My obsession with Nick? What do you mean by that?"  
"I thought that maybe you... you know, that you are maybe missing Nick so much, because you... because you feel something, that is..."  
"You thought that I... loved him?" asked Zak, gasping in surprise.  
"Look, bro, I dont want you to be angry if Im not right, I just... Zak, whats wrong? Are you... crying?"  
Aaron saw big tears running down Zaks cheeks.  
"I feel like as if Im not living my life, Aaron. Its just... hell. Without him... nothing makes sense, nothing matters to me. You are right. I loved Nick, all the time. And I still do. Thats what you wanted me to say?"  
"I wanted to hear the truth."  
"So, well, thats it. I love him. I love him more than... I never thought that I will love someone so much, I never knew that Im able to love someone more than everything. Im nothing without him. Nothing. I dont think I can live without Nick."  
Aaron didnt know what to say. He always knew that Zak is hiding something and that it has a connection to Nick, and although he suspected that Zak takes Nick for more than just a good friend, he was surprised when he saw Zak in tears, being so broken.  
"Did you talk with Nick about that?"  
"No, I never did. Nothing would change, maybe it would be much worse than it is now, if he knew."  
"Well... You should not be so sure about that. Try to call him, talk to him, maybe it will help you. It may change nothing, but at least you will know the truth."  
"He doesnt want to talk to me. I tried to call him two years ago and he told me to stay away from him."  
"Why would he say that?"  
"I dont know. I dont know if its something that I did or said, maybe I have gone too far by writing some tweets, I really dont know. I just know that he hates me."  
Aaron sighed again.  
"Zak, promise me that you will call him."  
"Alright, I will, if thats what will make you happy..."

*****

"You still have that poem, right?"  
"You mean that poem from the magazine I found at the hotel in Virginia City?"  
"Yes, that poem."  
"Yeah... why?"  
"I thought... maybe if you would just throw it away, it will help you to forget Nick."  
"I dont want to forget him, Aaron. And I dont want him to forget me. One day, when I decide to end this forever, I will give him this poem to remind him, that he was the only person that really mattered in my life."

*****

There he was again. Staring at the screen of his phone, not knowing what he should do. It took him another ten minutes of thinking about what he wants to do and if it is right or not. In the end he dialed Nicks number. The phone was ringing and Zak was excited for the first few moments, because he thought that maybe Nick will answer his call. Five seconds, ten seconds, twenty seconds...  
Zak nearly got a heartattack, when he heard that someone picked up the phone.  
"Nick... Nick?"  
"WE´RE SORRY, BUT THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED CANNOT BE REACHED AT THIS TIME… PLEASE TRY AGAIN!" said a voice on the other side.  
Maybe he wasnt around his phone. Zak tried to call Nick again... and again... and again... for three days... but always with the same result. The number you have dialed cant be reached... When he tried to call Nick for the last time, he heard the well-known beeping sound. So Nick is talking with someone, but doesnt want to answer Zaks call. So that means that Nick really doesnt want to talk with him. Zak nearly smashed his phone by throwing it angrily against the wall. He sat down in front of the TV screen again, the Paranormal Lockdown Halloween Special episode paused at 32:10, with the image of Nicks anxious face so big, that it was almost in life-size.  
"I miss you so much," whispered Zak to the tv screen, as he run his fingers down Nicks cheek, feeling the static electricity under his fingertips and imagining that he really talks to Nick.  
"I never thought that I would miss you so much. Why wont you talk to me? Please, come back..."  
Zak kissed Nicks image, pretending that it is responding to the soft touch of his lips.  
"Oh God, what the fuck am I doing?"  
Zak jumped up as if he was afraid that someone could see him kissing the tv screen like a crazy fangirl would do. He called Aaron, because he felt like he should blame this all on someone and Aaron was the person, who forced him to try call Nick, so its actually his fault.  
"I told you that he doesnt want to talk with me, I told you that! You made me call him and he didnt answer! I had some hope, now its all gone and its your fault!"  
"Zak! Calm down, bro, what happened?"  
"He hates me, thats what happened!" Zak cried out.  
"Wait a minute, I will be right there, Im in my car. I wanted to visit a club with Jay and Ashley, but I think you are the one who needs some company."  
"You dont need to do that, Aaron. Thank you, but I would like to be alone..."  
"You were home alone for a long time, maybe it will help you when you will talk to someone."  
Zak heard the sound of Aarons car parking in front of his house.  
"Im here, so its too late for trying to tell me, that you want to be alone. Let me in, Im at the door."  
Zak opened the door and Aaron gave him a hug.  
"Can you please tell me what the hell are you doing, man?"  
"I thought that a friendly hug would cheer you up..."  
"Jerk... Now you know that Im in love with a man, but that doesnt mean that you can treat me like a... gay crybaby."  
Aaron almost burst out laughing.  
"Thats good, I never heard that before... gay crybaby..."  
"Dude, stop. You said you wanted to cheer me up, not make me want to punch you in your face, and, by the way, thats exactly what I want to do right know. Just shut op, okay?"  
"Dont be mad at me, bro. So... wait, you are watching Paranormal Lockdown?  
Zak turned to the tv screen, the image of Nick still motionless and frozen.  
"Yeah..."  
"I thought that they are aired on Fridays... Is that the Black Monk House episode?"  
"It is."  
"Are you watching old episodes? How long are you doing that?"  
"Doing what?"  
"You know, sitting here, watching this show... Zak, honestly, do you know that you have a problem?"  
"A problem? You forced me to call Nick and he couldnt even pick up the phone just for one time to tell me to go fuck myself, thats my problem."  
"Zak, calm down..."  
"I cant calm down, do you know what it is like to miss someone so much, that it causes you physical pain? So much, that you cant sleep or eat or do something else than just stare at the wall, thinking about that one person? Do you know what its like?"  
"I bet Nick can."  
"What?"  
"Try to call him again. Here, use my phone."  
"But why? Billy told me, that Nick doesnt answer his calls. When he doesnt pick up the phone, when me or Billy is calling, why would he pick up your call?"  
"He will. Just try it."  
"He is... talking to you?"  
"Yeah... not often, but from time to time..."  
"Did you see him?"  
"Just for two times, I visited him and his family shortly after he left the crew and I went to a bar with him a few months ago."  
"Why didnt you tell me that?"  
"He begged me not to do that."  
"So... he is talking to you... Does he... does he sometimes talk about me?"  
"I talked to him... its like and hour ago. Actually, it was him who made the call and he told me, that his phone is ringing non-stop, but he just cant pick it up."  
"What?! Why??"  
"Because he misses you and he is afraid that talking to you would make it worse."  
Zak wasnt able to say a word. Nick hates him, why would he miss him?  
"I thought... that he hates me..."  
"Im just saying what he told me. Here, call him. Get the answers you need."

*****

Zak grabbed the phone and dialed Nicks number. One, two, three, four, five slow and painful beats of his heart... and Nick picked up the call.  
"Aaron? Whats up, dude?"  
That voice. Almost real, so different to the faint echo of that voice he used to hear when Nick was talking on the TV.  
"Aaron? Why are you calling me so late?"  
One, two, three deep breaths.  
"...Nick..."  
Zak heard Nick gasping in surprise.  
"Zak?"  
His name, spoken so silently... Zak almost passed out.  
"Hi there..."  
"What? Hi there? Are you serious? I said that I dont want to... wait, Aaron gave you his phone so you can call me without me knowing that?"  
"Uuuum... Yeah... he did."  
"Fine. But I dont want to talk to you. Bye."  
"No! NO! Nick, please! Listen... I... Im sorry."  
"Sorry for what?"  
"Im sorry for everything I did and what made you leave."  
"Dude, what are you talking about. I told you, that I need to leave because of my family."  
"And what about your new show?"  
"Yeah, maybe I should tell you about that, but... I have got that offer after I left. I was no longer a part of your crew, when I agreed to make a new show with Katrina."  
"My crew? Its _our_ crew, Nick!"  
"No, its not. Its no longer _our_ crew, Zak. Im no longer a part of it. You need to finally deal with that. Please..."  
"Nick!"  
"Dont do that. Its not because of you, its because of me. I needed to leave. You did nothing wrong. Please, stop calling me. And tell Aaron, that I dont want him to call me either. Never again."  
"No, Nick! Dont hang up the phone, please! I need to see you, I need to talk to you... Just for a while, please! Just give a few minutes of your precious time and let me see you."  
Nick sighed.  
"Fine... But it needs to be right now. Where will we meet?"  
"I dont know... You are living on the other end of the States, so... It will take 5 hours to get there..."  
"Dont worry, Im in Vegas."  
"What are you doing here?"  
"Thats not up to you. The address is 5625 West Flamingo Road."  
"A hotel?"  
"Yes, a hotel. What did you think about, a strip bar? If you want to see me, you need to visit me now. You have 5 hours to move your ass and show up, because after those 5 hours, I will be at the airport. Its your only chance. Now or never."  
"I will be right there, just wait a minute!"  
"You'd better be fast, Bagans."  
Nick hung up the phone.  
"So, how was that going?" asked Aaron curiously. "Is he mad at me, because I gave you my phone?"  
"Can you... I need... I need to go, now. Nick is waiting for me."  
"I hope you dont want to drive after drinking, bro."  
"He is waiting for me, Aaron. I have just 5 hours."  
"5 hours? Where is he waiting, at home?"  
"No, the adress is somewhere on the West Flamingo Road, I think its the Westgate Flamingo Bay Resort."  
"A nice hotel with a fireplace in every room. A quiet place with a whirlpool tub for two people."  
"How do you know that?"  
"I once took a girl... to that place," Aaron blushed. "She was..."  
"Well, thats great, Aaron, but I really need to go."  
"Can you please take a taxi, bro?"  
"I had just one glass."  
"Yeah, and Im the greek goddess of love and beauty, dude."  
"Alright then," Zak sighed and made a quick call. It took 20 minutes for the taxi to arrive at his house and Zak nearly lost his mind while waiting. 

*****

Zak saw Nick standing outside, near to the road.  
"So, you are here, finally. Come on, lets go inside. Its cold out there."  
Zak followed Nick into his room. It was actually a little house, not just a room.  
"Destination America booked that... room," said Nick when he saw Zak raising his eyebrows. Aaron was right. The tub was like made for two people. And the bed... the bed was made for two people too. The only light was coming from a fireplace and two candles, one was standing on a table next to the bed, the second one was burning in the bathroom. Zak tried to gather his thoughts, but it was hard, because the only thing he could imagine at that moment was he and Nick in that whirlpool, their bodies naked, bathing in the warm water and candlelight and... doing stuff. Zak shook his head.  
"So?"  
"So... I wanted to talk to you."  
"Do it. Im right here and Im listening to you."  
"Nick... I never wanted you to leave, what..."  
"Oh, stop that. I know. Can you tell me something that I dont know? You were in front of me, on your knees and you begged me to stay, do you think that I cant remember that? But I needed to go."  
"But why? Tell me the real reason."  
"Thats why you came here? Just to ask me about the reason that I had? Just to ask me why I left the crew? I told you before, it was because of my family."  
"Really? But why were you hiding from me?"  
"Hiding from you? I dont know what are you talking about."  
"Yes, hiding from me. You never wanted to see me, you never talked to me, you told me not to call and stay away from you. Why?"  
Nick turned away, but Zak could still see the light from the fireplace softly dancing on his face. Nick took a deep breath.  
"Im sorry, Im really sorry for leaving the crew, but... what do you want to hear? What do you want from me, what do you want me to say?"  
"I just want to know the truth. Just tell me the real reason and I swear that I will go away and I will never call you again, if thats what you want."  
"You want to know the truth?"  
"Yes. Please, tell me why did you leave?"  
"Because I saw how you were looking at me, Zak!" Nick almost shouted. "Because I knew whats going on. I never wanted to hurt you, so I left. I thought that it will be easier for you. I told you that Im leaving because of my family, but in fact I just wanted you to be safe. I knew that it will not be a long time and you will tell me, that... that there is something going on with you. Can you imagine how scandalous would that be? Zak Bagans, the lead investigator of Ghost Adventures, the well-known womanizer has a crush on his best friend, married father of two children, Nick Groff. What would people say?"  
"Oh... so... thats the real reason," Zak wasnt able to find the right words. He felt his whole world just crashing down. Nick knew that he loved him and thats why he left. He was afraid that the world will find out.  
"Were you afraid that it could ruin your career?"  
"No, Zak, dont get me wrong. I was afrair that it could ruin your career, that it could ruin everything, that the crew achieved, that it could ruin your life. My career or my life doesnt matter. But the Ghost Adventures show, it does. Your life does."  
"My life? My life is nothing... without you."  
"Dont say that, Zak. Its not truth. Why are you risking your life?"  
"Im not!"  
"Yes, you are. Aaron told me about your new hobby, taking sleeping pills and drinking whiskey, gambling, visiting dangerous places just on your own, driving drunk... What happened to you, Zak?"  
Zak blushed, ashamed of himself. But what could he do? He needs to somehow release his pain...  
"I... When you left, I thought... I thought that it will just go away, everything I felt, I thought the time will just... wash it away, as it will flow, but... I still see you everywhere I go. I close my eyes, but when I do that, I feel like as if Im falling, so I need to open them again. I cant be without you! Nick... Im so alone. Just me and my guilt, my remorse, my shame and pain, this sorrow and hate, that self-hatred that is still growing. Im missing your presence, its so long since I last saw you, Nick. My heart is yours, it always was and it forever will be. No, I need to tell you everything, just listen to me," said Zak when Nick tried to stop him.  
"When we first met, I knew that something... different... happened to me. I never thought, that I will fall in love with a man, but... the more nights we have spent together... I realized that I really love you. I wish you could understand what you mean to me. All I have are just memories. Nick, please, I dont want you to hate me for what I feel. I dont know how to get rid of these feelings. I tried to suppress them, but they just wont go away. Im lost without you. Im losing my mind, because of you, because of the feeling that I cant find a name for, because of the feeling that I cant compare to nothing! I just want to spend my time with you, look at you, listen to you, be next to you, thats what I ask you to do for me. I dont want to hear that you love me, because... I know you dont..."  
Zaks voice cracked. He felt himself choking on the tears, that were runing down his face.  
"I dont want you to leave your family or quit your show with Katrina, I just want to... Can we just meet sometimes? Alone, tohether with Aaron, Billy or Jay, together with your wife, it doesnt matter, I swear that I will keep this to myself, nobody will ever know what I hide inside of me, dont worry."  
"But I will... And thats why I cant do this. I dont want to hurt you."  
"You are hurting me right now. I think this would help me, Nick, please, I just want to talk to you from time to time. Is it really too much that Im asking for?"  
"No, Zak, its not."  
Nick went closer to Zak and placed his hands on Zaks waist. For a while he was just staring at Zak, before he said:  
"What are you doing to me, Zak? Why I always feel this way when Im around you? Why do you make me feel this way? You dont understand? Im not me when Im with you. I have a family, wife, children, but... Touching you feels so right, although I know its wrong..."  
"Wha... what?" Zak couldnt believe what he just heard.  
"I cant give you what you want, Zak. If I do... things will never be the same. I need to be far away from you, thats the only way I can fight whatever grows in me the whole time. I always knew that... you are more than just a friend for me, but... Im married, you were the DJ on my wedding, so it was too late to change something and I was not sure if its all real, if anything thats between me and you is true."  
"Why are you telling me these things now? Why didnt you talk with me about this years ago?"  
"Because you loved everything we experienced with Ghost Adventures. Because you wanted more and telling you the truth would have ruined everything. Can you imagine being next to me, knowing you cant have me, but also knowing that I... love you? Can you imagine the pain it would cause you and me? Invetigating together, but unable to... _be_ together? I couldnt imagine that, and thats why I never told you. I just hoped that someday... you will find someone else, someone who will give you everything I cant."  
"And you?"  
"I would just... move on with my life, hoping that maybe one day this... love will just go away."  
"Nick, please, dont leave me..."  
"Zak, stop."  
"No! I wont! I want..."  
Zak nearly lost his breath, when Nick kissed him. He closed his eyes and surrendered to the touch of Nicks pale and almost cold lips.  
"You dont know how long I have been waiting to kiss you..." whispered Nick, when he broke the kiss.  
"And you dont know how long I have been waiting for you to do it... I almost lost my faith, but somehow I knew you will kiss me one day... I know you..." answered Zak, his voice so silent, that he was afraid Nick couldnt hear him talking.  
"I know you do, you know me like no one else will ever be able to... I miss you, Zak... but even if you will stay here with me tonight, I cant give you want you really need."  
"Shhh, dont talk, just kiss me... do it... I dont care about tomorrow, I dont care..."  
Nick smiled and kissed Zak again, pushing him against the wall, while Zak tried to take off Nicks shirt.  
"You are better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I love how you taste... I need you right now... How do you want me? You can have me any way you want me..." whispered Nick into Zaks ear, slipping with his hands under Zaks pants.  
"Nick..."  
"Just tell me and I will do it..."  
"I want you... in the bathroom..."  
Nick looked over his shoulder and smiled. He took Zaks hand a Zak followed him to the bathroom.  
"You want me to take care of you? Sit down."  
It was almost like a command. Zak sat down on the edge of the tub and Nick got down on his knees. He sneaked in between Zaks legs.  
"I’m going to tease you until you can’t take it any longer. I want to make you come hard. But I’m not going to let you come until you beg me for permission. You will beg me for it."  
"Oh God..." Zak gasped for air, when Nick unexpectedly took his hard cock in his mouth, running his tongue down the full lenght and then back to the top. He thought about this for months, but the reality was so much better than his dreams.  
"Get in that tub," said Nick. Zak wasnt almost able to stand up, but he somehow made it into the tub, Nick following him. He took the washcloth and started to wash Zaks neck, shoulders and chest and then he kissed every part he cleaned. Zak still couldnt believe that this all is real, so he kissed Nick, just to make sure that he is really there, alive, not just a dreamy figure standing over him, when he touches himself in his bed at 3am, thinking about Nicks hands squeezing his cock.  
Nick found Zaks hand and placed it on his thigh. Zak immediately knew what he should do and Nick moaned out loud, when Zak took his cock in his hand. He lifted Zak up and Zak didnt really know how he ended in Nicks lap, looking down at his face, covered with little water drops, sparkling in the candlelight and making Nick look like if he has some sort of an almost demonic aura. Zak bit Nicks lower lip, the groan that slipped from Nicks mouth making him losing control of his mind.  
"Lets get into the bed," Nick whispered, when he catched his breath for a while.  
"We are... wet..."  
"It doesnt matter... Tell me... Do you want me to fuck you, babe? Even if it means that this is the last time that you will see me?"  
Zak froze for a second, but he knew that even if he would stop Nick, it wouldnt change anything. Tonight Nick is his lover, tomorrow he will be gone, no matter if they make love or just talk to each other. He needs to feel him, he needs to own him, have him just for himself, even if it would last just for a quick, breathless moment. No matter what tomorrow will bring, he needs to spend the night with Nick, feeling the rush of those emotions, the roughness of Nicks hands, the touch of his fingertips, while they are making their way down his neck and chest, exploring the skin and muscles hidden underneath, the wet trace that his tongue leaves behind when he licks Zaks lips, before he enters his mouth with an insane force, almost violently, dominating that wild kiss.  
"Mhhm... I always knew that these lips are mine..." whispered Nick and run his thumb over Zaks lips.  
_Mine..._ It sounded so sweet, so powerful, so magical...  
"You are my perfect sin... Everything I ever wanted... But you need to promise me, that you will let it go..."  
"I promise..."  
"Tell me, Zak, do you want me to fuck you hard before I leave you again?"  
Holding his breath, swallowing those tears that were crawling into his eyes, trying to focus on the pleasure he felt instead on the thought that Nick will leave him forever, Zak answered:  
"Yes..."  
"Do you want me?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Beg me!"  
"Please, Nick... I want you..."  
"What do you want me to do? Say it!"  
"I want you to fuck me so hard that I will lose my mind, Nick, please, do it..."

 

*****  
Nick crawled to the bed, holding Zaks legs apart, kissing and biting his thighs slowly, just to skip the part of Zaks body, that was craving for attention the most. He continued to kiss Zak all over his stomach, chest and shoulders, biting his neck so hard, that he was leaving aching bite marks, almost like an wild animal and Zak wasnt sure if Nick didnt bite him so hard, that his neck was bleeding, but he fell for this amazing sensation of pain mixed with pleasure right at the second Nick sinked his teeth into the flesh on his body. Then Nick took a bottle of vodka, that Zak didnt see before and spilled it over Zaks chest. It burned like hell, when the clear liquid reached the red bitemarks, but Nick licked it off quickly.  
"Nick... its... its too much for me... I never... Im gonna..."  
"No, not yet," hissed Nick and pulled some lube out of nowhere.  
"You were prepared for that!" smiled Zak.  
"Maybe I was..." smiled Nick back.  
"Have you ever... Did you... uuum..."  
"No, but I have been dreaming about that for so long... Im not gonna hurt you more than... you would like. Trust me... I want to make you feel good tonight..."  
Nick slipped one finger into Zaks ass, then moving slowly in and out for a while, letting Zak get used to that strange but great feeling, before he added the second and the third finger.  
Zak tried to move his hips forward, taking Nicks fingers even deeper.  
"I want more... I want to feel you inside of me..."  
"You want me inside? Beg me!"  
"Please, Nick, do it... I cant wait any longer..."  
Nick kissed Zak again, holding his trembling body in his arms, when he was slowly entering Zaks body. Zak was completely silent, but he moaned into that kiss, when Nick started to move his hips, slow, so slow that it was driving Zak crazy...  
"I want more... Please... I need more..."  
Nick started to move faster, almost in a punishing rhythm, trying to get deeper and deeper, and Zak couldnt help himself, when he felt the head of Nicks cock hit that sweet spot inside of him, and started to stroking his own cock, but Nick grabbed his hand and held it above Zaks hand.  
"Not yet... I want... I want you to come together with me..."  
Zak tried to keep calm, but Nicks words sent shivers down his spine and he started to shake under Nicks hand.  
"Dont..." hissed Nick into his ear and stopped for a while, until Zak calmed down and opened his eyes with a silent question.  
"What? Do you want me to continue?"  
"Yeah... please..."  
Nick started to move again, but just until Zak groaned:  
"I cant... hold it any longer..."  
"You need to... Im close, babe, wait for me..."  
"I cant..." Zak cried out. "Let me come..."  
One, two, three seconds, before Nick ran his thumb over the top of Zaks cock, and Zak came, the muscles inside him tensing and clenching around Nicks cock, moaning out loud, one, two, three quick moves of Nicks hips, covered in sweat, and Nick crashed down, trembling and breathing heavily, orgasm rushing through his whole body.

******

Zak felt so tired, both physically and emotionally, so he curled up to Nick, and Nick held him in his embrace, tight, as if he would be afraid to let Zak go.  
"I think I... need some sleep," mumbled Zak.  
"Its alright, babe, we have a few minutes left..."  
Zak closed his eyes, the warmth of Nicks arms around his chest and shoulders, and before he fell asleep, he heard Nick whisper:  
"I love you, Zak... I love you more than you can imagine... If there only would be a chance for me to stay with you... I love you..."

******

The taxi parked in front of the airport. Nick took his bag and was about to go, without even turning around to say "Goodbye" to the man standing behind him. Zak grabbed his arm desperately.  
"Nick... please, dont go. Stay with me."  
Nick turned around and got his arm out of the grip of Zaks fingers.  
"You promised me to let it go, Zak. You need to let it go. You need to let _me_ go."  
"I cant... Not after this night!"  
"Thats why I didnt want to do this! Now it will be ten thousand times worse than it was before! For you, for me..."  
"Then why did you kiss me?"  
"Because Im so fucking weak, when Im around you. I hate myself for being so weak, but your eyes, the depth of these two blue-grey oceans, they make me fall in love with you over and over again, everytime I see you! Thats why I wanted you to stop calling me, I knew that this would happen, when we will meet."  
"Nick, please, dont go away! Lets get back to the hotel and talk about it. This doesnt need to be the end. We can find a solution, a compromise. We can be together... and keep it as a secret! No one will ever know that you and me... that we are more than just friends! Please, stay with me. I know you want to stay!"  
"No, I dont want to."  
"Yes, you do. I know you, Nick, I know you better than myself! I know that your cheeks get red when you are lying. I know you so well... you cant lie to me."  
"Fine, maybe I want to stay, but does that change anything? No, I think not. I need to run away from you again, because thats the only way I can save myself... and save you. Its the only way to save us."  
"Nick, what the hell are you talking about? You know that I love you, and you said that you love me, why do you want to leave? Thats ridiculous! If you really love me, why wont you try to continue what we just started? Im not going to tell anybody, that we are together! No one will ever find out!"  
"No, I cant. I cant do this. Im too weak when it comes to you. Sooner or later... Someone would find out. Im sorry, Zak. I want to be with you... but I just cant stay. I need to live my life and that means living it without you. Im sorry... I will miss you for the rest of my life, I will miss you every single fucking day until I die, but it needs to be that way. Im sorry, I need to go. Im gonna be late for my flight."  
"I have something for you... Here," Zak reached into his pocket. "I wanted to give you this."  
"What is that?" asked Nick, when a little crumbled piece of a newspaper or something like that slipped from Zaks fingers into his hand.  
"Just... something. A poem. It makes me think about you everytime when I read it, so maybe its better to give it to you, so I dont need to carry it in my pocket forever."  
"Zak, I really need to go."  
"Can I... can I give you at least a hug, before I lose you for ever?"  
"No."  
"Nick, please..."  
"I said no. Goodbye, Zak."  
"Goodbye, Nick... I love you."  
Nick took a deep breath, as if he was about to tell Zak that he loves him too, but then he just sighed, and turned away to leave Zak alone again.

*******

Nick was right. It was ten thousand times worse. Now, as Zak knew, that Nick loves him too, the thought of being without him forever was unbearable.  
Zak crushed down on the couch in his living room, turning on the TV, hoping that Nicks silent voice will calm him down, but it only made Zak cry so much, that he couldnt catch his own breath. He went upstairs and sat down on the bed, in the soothing pitch black darkness of his bedroom. This was like hell. Zak felt like as if the fire in his heart should consume his whole being. There is no hope. Living without Nick? No...  
Zak grabbed the pills and swallowed a few of them. Just a few of them... but it was more than anyone should take. He drank right from the whiskey bottle and fell back to the cushions. He closed his eyes, salty tears burning underneath his dark eyelashes. 

******

Those memories.  
The cleansing ritual...  
...that was performed on him and Nick while the crew was investigating a house, where the Zozo demon tortured a family. Soon after that investigation Nick left. Zak knew, that it will happen, so, before the episode aired, he secretly edited the footage and added a little flash, that lighted up both his and Nicks heart, hoping, that it will Nick remind of how much he means to Zak everytime he watches that episode or sees that scene.  
Visiting the Loftus Hall...  
....while GAC filmed the Halloween Special in Ireland. Zak watched Nick slowly change, he became so distant and quiet, making Zak wonder why he refuses to talk with him, spending the whole investigation following Nick around, asking him whats wrong, just to hear the words "Im going to leave the crew, Zak". From that moment his whole life was just crashing down.  
Nick, telling him about the death of his friend...  
...and his arm, slightly wrapped around Zaks chest, being shy and in pain, and Zak, wanting to hold him, pull him closer and whisper that everything will be alright, but then he just realized what he is about to do, so, being afraid that it would look awkward, he just friendly threw his arm around Nicks shoulder for one second, but Nick, oh God... He brushed his whole body against his, so Zak could feel the wild beating of his heart and he almost rested his head on Zaks shoulder, but then he just let their cheeks touch for an amazing moment, before he took a step back.  
The possession...  
...at the Poveglia Island, when Zak thought that the demon inside of him will kill him. He tried to fight him and this demon took control of his body and mind, but then Nick showed up and his soft voice just calmed Zak down and Zak could finally wake up from this strange state of mind. And when Nick placed his cold, shaking hand on his shoulder, he knew that it was Nick, who saved him that night.  
Romania...  
...and Nick being so happy, smiling and laughing, enjoying every minute with the crew and Zak.

Zak tried to wipe the tears, that he felt run down his cheeks, but his hand was so heavy, so numb...  
He heard his phone ring, he heard knocking on his door, he heard someone yelling at him through the closed window. Aaron? Zak wanted to stand up and let his friend get in, but he couldnt, he felt exhausted and he couldnt move his legs. He lost control of his body, but he didnt mind that at all. Who needs to be on this earth, who needs to have his soul trapped inside of a body, that will forever be craving for someone, who is not there and never will be? Maybe if his spirit leaves this body... maybe he can get to a place, where the shadows cant reach, where the sound of Nicks voice will be just a faint, distant echo...

*****

Nick blinked a few times, because he nearly fell asleep, waiting for an hour in the airport hall for his flight. He had just 10 minutes left. Nick put his hands in his pockets, because he felt as if they were freezing. His fingers touched something... and he immediately knew what it is.  
That poem. That poem from Zak. He almost forgot about it.

_Later...  
I found a new hope, found a few lives  
found a new amount of killing lies  
people call them love and smiles_

_The rain, the snow,  
spellbound, your glow  
I remember the rain, remember the snow,  
remember my wishes, remember your soul  
remember your charm, your perfect witchery  
your lies and smiles, to late for a remedy._

_And you're still with me in my mind...  
On All Hallow's Eve, on Christmas Day  
that's when I curse you the most  
for not being by my side._

_I believed in you, I believed you... in vain  
And all I want is to hear your lies again  
kiss your lips, made out of pulsating pain  
Oh no, still it's all in vain, it's all in vain..._

_Now it's over  
Now I'm without you  
without your helping hand  
and it's time for me to face it  
But you can't be replaced,  
you can't... _

"Whats up, bro?" Nick answered the call, when his phone started to ring, forgetting about the poem again.  
"Hey Nick, is Zak with you?" Aarons voice sounded weird.  
"No, he was, but... Im on my way home. He is not with me. Why?"  
"He did not answer my call. Was he... okay, when you... when you left?"  
"I dont care."  
"Nick... I think you should come back, now."  
"What? Im at the airport, I dont have wings, I cant come back right now and Im not sure if I want to come back, actually, I know that I dont want to. Zak got what he wanted, I told him the truth and now its over. He needs to deal with it."  
"What if he wants to do do something stupid? Like... hurt himself?"  
"Aaron, stop, why would he do that?"  
"I dont know, maybe because he told me, that he doesnt want to live without you anymore?"  
"I dont think you need to be afraid, he is probably sleeping right now."  
"Maybe, but he always picks up the phone. When Zak doesnt want to talk with people, he turns his phone off. But its ringing!"  
"And? Couldnt he be in the bathroom?"  
"He would call back."  
"Dont worry, Aaron. He is alright, Im sure."  
"No, Nick, he is not. Im standing in front of his house, I can hear the phone ring, Im knocking, yelling, why didnt he come to open the door?"  
"Dude, stop freaking out!"  
"You need to come back, Im afraid that something happened to him."  
"Im sure he is doing fine."  
"Nick!"  
"Alright then, Im coming back, but just because I know you would keep calling me for the next like... thousand weeks."  
Nick ended the phone call and sighed. He promised his wife to be back soon. She waits for him and she will ask him what the hell did take him so long to get home. He wasnt sure what to tell her about what he was doing in Las Vegas... because, in fact, she didnt know that he went there. Nick told her that he wants to meet Katrina and talk with her about the next location they will investigate together... but he also told her, that the meeting was supposed to take place at a haunted house somewhere in Kansas. Nicks wife didnt talk to Katrina, she didnt like her for an unexplained reason, but Nick didnt care. He counted Katrina as one of his friends, but most of his time she was just "someone who is working with him". She did not mean to him as much as Aaron, Billy or Jay did. And, of course, especially Zak.  
Zak. Nick went to Vegas because of him. He visited Vegas at least once a month. Although he wouldnt admit that, he was secretly hoping, that someday he may just "accidentaly" meet Zak on the street and talk to him, even if it just should be a "hello".  
Nick hadnt any cash left, so he needed to use his credit card for paying the taxi and that meant that his wife will soon find out that he is not anywhere near Kansas, because she was checking his bank account regularly to see what he is paying for, when he is not at home. He could tell her that he visited Aaron, but she didnt like him either. Actually, his wife didnt like any of his friends and Zak was the one she hated the most. When she was talking about him - and that wasnt often since Nick left the crew - she never called him "Zak", for her he always was just "that son of a bitch" or "that stupid motherfucker". Nick didnt know, why she disliked Zak that much. Yes, she was jealous of nearly everyone that was near to him, but when Zak was around, she acted like an absolute freak. Nick never said or did anything, that could help someone to find out how he really feels, when it comes to Zak, but he knew that she is suspecting something. Perhaps it was because she knew him for a long time before he even met Zak, so maybe she saw, how he changed, when that black haired, handsome, tall guy crossed the path of his life. Nick always was a pessimist and lived his life without the ability to enjoy little things, but when he met Zak, it was clear that something or _someone_ is making him happy and from that moment when he first saw Zak, he was barely seen without a smile on his face. His wife felt somehow that he didnt change because of her or their marriage, and she became extremely jealous. When Nick left GAC, he changed back to that person he was before he started to investigate haunted places with Zak. He became depressed, frustrated and angry again and his wife, instead of being happy that she now has him all for herself and trying to cheer him up, she seemed to search for excuses to staring fights with Nick. "Are you really so selfish, Nick?" Thats what she always asked to make him feel guilty. And Nick really felt guilty all the time.

******

"Thanks God, Nick! You are here!" shouted Aaron, when Nick appeared behind his back.  
"Can you please tell me whats going on?"  
"I know that Zak is at home, but he just doesnt answer my calls."  
"Maybe he went to a bar and forgot his phone at home," said Nick, but the light behind the curtains and the sound of someone talking on TV spoke for itself.  
"No, Zak wouldnt leave his house without the phone. Try to call him."  
Nick dialed Zaks number and waited for an answer. Nothing. Well, now _thats_ weird, thought Nick. He was sure that of all the people he could think of he was the one, whose call would Zak answer, even if all hell broke loose. He put his phone back to his pocket and noticed, that something fell to the ground. A piece of paper.  
THE POEM!  
"No, please, I hope its not what I think it is." Aaron bent over to pick up the crumpled paper from a puddle of dirty water.  
"Shit! Thats the fucking poem he was talking about!"  
"Huh?"  
"Man, we need to get inside and find Zak, quickly! I think he wants to end his life..."  
"What the hell are you talking about, dude? Seriously!"  
"He once told me, that he will give you this poem, when he decides to end it all..."

_**...and it's time for me to face it  
But you can't be replaced,  
you can't... ** _

Nick felt like as if his blood froze in his veins.

"Wait... are you fucking kidding me, Aaron?! Why didnt you tell me sooner? Step aside, you asshole!"  
"How could I know that he gave it to you?"  
Nick tried to kick the locked door open.  
"If you are right and if we... if we will be late, Im going to kill you, I swear!"  
Nick tried it again and again, but the door didnt move even a single inch.  
"We need to broke some window to get inside!"  
Nick didnt care about his arm when he broke the glass in the nearest window, although he felt the sharp edges cutting his skin and the warm blood covering his hand. He opened the window, crawled inside and Aaron followed him. When they didnt found Zak downstairs, Nick went up to the first floor.  
He rushed through the door of Zaks bedroom.  
"Oh my God, Zak! No... No!"

*****

That silence was almost deathly and Nick would swear he can hear his own blood pulsing through his veins. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it will just explode inside of him.  
"Zak! Zak! Please, wake up! Zak!"  
One, two, three seconds of torture.  
Nothing.  
"Zak! Can you hear me? Im back, I came back to you!"  
_Oh God, please, help me!_  
Nothing.  
"Wake up, I love you! If you want to, I will stay with you, but please, please, wake up!"  
_His hand is so cold..._  
Nothing.  
"Zak! I love you! I love you!" Nick cried out.  
Aaron was just standing next to him, unable to make a move. He was staring at Zak and the empty pill bottle next to his hand.  
"Zak!"  
_This cant be real! This is a dream!_  
Nothing.

*****

_Dark Mother, please, come to me,  
I invoke thee, thy power of three,  
Mother, have mercy on my soul,  
for I weep on this grave alone.  
Please, protect the one I love,  
Im praying to the stars above,  
take the pain that ties his hands,  
Mother, let him breath again!_

*******

"Hi there..."  
"Zak, you are alive!" Nick embraced Zak tight.  
"Of course I am... And what are you two doing in my house?"  
"Zak, why did you tried to kill yourself?" Aaron shouted.  
"Dude, fucking chill out! What is he talking about?" Zak turned to Nick.  
"I thought that I lost you..." whispered Nick.  
"You took the sleeping pills! How many?" asked Aaron.  
"I dont know, but obviously not too many to escape my body," Zak turned back to him. "Again, what are you doing in my house? How did you get in there?"  
"Why did you try to kill yourself, Zak? Because of me? Because of what I said? I take it back, but please, please, dont do it ever again, please!"  
Zak raised his eyebrows.  
"Nick, I did not try to kill myself, what the hell?"  
"But you took the sleeping pills and... wait, what?"  
"The pills? They are harmless! Its just a mixture of herbs, lavender and... I dont know what else, just some herbs. A psychic healer told me about them, they help you fall asleep and, if you are lucky, you can have pleasant dreams. And if you are very lucky, you can experience astral traveling. Thats why I do that. I want to... run away from the world, where you are not mine to another world, where... where everything I want can become true."  
"And what about the whiskey?"  
"Well, I said, that you need to be lucky to experience astral travelling. Im not. Actually, Im not so lucky to even have the pleasant dreams. But I need at least to get some sleep, so..."  
"Zak, seriously? Are you telling us, that we were scared to death, because you took pills, that arent working, so you tried to get at least drunk to fall asleep?" Aaron couldnt believe what he just heard Zak say.  
"Uuuum... Yeah? But it seems that the pills were working tonight..."  
"Oh, fuck, dude, really? But what about the poem?! You told me you will give the poem to Nick, when you decide to end this forever!"  
"Aaron, could you please stop yelling at me? I did, but I wasnt talking about suicide. I was talking about accepting things that you cant change, like... loving someone, but knowing that he is out of reach, so you just lock your heart up, so no one can ever make you fall in love again. And thats what I meant by that."  
"God, you are so stupid, Zak, so stupid. Well... I think I need a drink too... I will be downstairs... if you dont mind?"  
Aaron didnt wait for Zak to answer and left the room.  
"Zak... I was so afraid..." Nicks shaking voice still wasnt more than just a faint whisper.  
"Fine, I know, I know, everything is my fault, Im an idiot, you dont want me to talk to you ever again and you want me to go fuck myself... wait. Are you not going to yell at me?"  
"No..." Nick was still trembling. "I dont care if... I just... oh, fuck that!"  
Zak almost bit his own tongue in surprise, when Nick kissed him and nearly knocked the breath out of his lungs.  
"Nick... I dont want to do this, if I cant have you. You were right... it made everything worse."  
"I want to be with you."  
"What?"  
"I cant stay with you now, but I want to be with you. No matter when, no matter how often... I cant leave my family, but I need to know... Would you wait for me, if I promise to come back one day?"  
"Nick, are you serious? I was willing to wait for you to the end of my life, no matter what happens. A chance to see you from time to time is more than I was hoping for... I promise, that I will wait for you."  
"But I cant tell you now, when it will be... maybe we can meet each other everytime, when you or I will be filming our shows somewhere... just call me, I will answer the phone."  
"And what about your wife?"  
"I dont think she loves me anymore. Perhaps she does, but... we are just fighting, all the time. I dont care about her, but I love my children and I cant leave them, so me and my wife, we need to pretend that we are a perfect couple. But thats all. She doesnt own my anymore."  
"So... that means, that... I can have you?"  
"Zak... you had me at _hello_... You had me since the first time I saw you. Im yours and nothing will ever change that," Nick pulled Zak closer, "I love you."  
"I love you too, Nick..."

*****

Nick kissed Zak, when the taxi arrived. He didnt care about Aaron and his surprised stare or about the taxi driver and how his jaw dropped, the only thing he cared about was Zak, his arms wrapped around his waist and his soft lips, responding to the kiss.  
"I want you to take this," said Zak and pulled out a pair of keys. "You can visit me whenever you want to."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, at least you dont need to break another window to get inside. See you soon, my love," whispered Zak.  
"See you soon, babe," smiled Nick and kissed Zak again, knowing, that no matter what the future holds, no matter what happens, he will always love Zak and Zak will always love him too. And that was the only thing he needed to know to be happy again.


End file.
